You may be asking yourself why someone would want to be an Old Lady, but hear me out. There are some clear advantages in choosing this path. For one, you get to wear orthopedic shoes. For another, you will have a smug, disapproving look on your face at all times and scare small children with your scowl.
Contrary to popular opinion, you do not have to be a woman to be an Old Lady. Or old for that matter. I have met many a man, even young men, who were well on their way to achieving Old Lady status.
And just so we’re clear, not all old ladies are, in fact, Old Ladies. It is all in the attitude, my friends. That is what gives us a true Old Lady.
Here are the steps you must take to join their league:
- Use the phrase: “What’s with these kids today?” or any variation thereof.
This is usually accompanied with comments on how much better behaved you were, and all those of your generation, and every generation prior to yours, and how the world is doomed because parents today are not monitoring their children’s behavior. Repeat this phrase often, even if you are talking to parents of kids today, and you are sure to gain Old Lady status.
- Complain about the way people dress.
Bonus points if you complain about both “sleazy” outfits and overly casual outfits. If you are on Facebook, and Old Ladies have been known to frequent Facebook, make posts about how you can’t believe anyone would go to the store in their pajamas. This is a good way of gaining new recruits for your Old Lady Circle, by seeing who likes your post.
- When using social media, be sure to add awkward comments to anyone you know under 30.
“LOL, that’s so funny. How are you doing sweetie? My goodness, you look so grown-up now! Hope you’re doing well. Tell your Mother I hope her kidney stones passed.”
- If a change has occurred at your church, synagogue, club, or workplace, complain.
What’s important is to only complain to people who can’t do anything about it. Your goal is to create dissension, not to learn why a change took place. It also doesn’t matter if the change was a good one. Something changed, and therefore you must complain.
- When talking about movies or television, always mention how shocked you were by the language.
Say something along the lines of “I don’t know why they find it necessary to have language like that.” Because bad language doesn’t make a movie better, right? And no one you know uses language like that. It’s a sign of a poor vocabulary, that’s what it is.
- Speaking of movies and television, what with all the sex and nudity these days?
Because, you know, in the old days, they knew how to make a scene sensual without showing any nudity at all. It’s just not necessary. Why do you need to see a woman’s ta-tas? And it’s not like they’re real, you know. You heard she got implants. They all get implants. You’re pretty sure movie producers make them get implants.
- And the music today!
Can you even call it music? There’s not even a melody, is there? And again, more filthy language, violence, sex … it’s like they don’t even try to write happy songs anymore. Why doesn’t anyone write happy songs anymore?
- Um … was there supposed to be 8? Are you sure? That’s odd. I wonder what it was?
Oh, never mind. It probably wasn’t important.
To become a full fledged Old Lady, you also must cook like an Old Lady. Therefore, I offer you a bona fide Old Lady recipe to make your status complete.
As I was looking for the perfect Old Lady recipe, I remembered the cookies one of my Old Lady aunts made. She was a true Old Lady and she made the most horrible cookies you can imagine. They were brown, cake-like things, filled with strange spices and weird dried fruits and nuts. No one liked them. No one in the history of the universe has ever liked them. They are an abomination to the word cookie. They should be purged from the annals of time. Therefore I shall not be sharing that recipe with you.
Instead, I will provide you with a recipe that is surprisingly good, even if it is a favorite of Old Ladies. They frequently serve them when they have their meetings, often referred to as “Circles.” No one knows why they call them Circles, they just do.
At their Circles, they use Old Lady dishes and drink tea. Old Ladies like tea. They also like these:
Watercress is an aquatic herb that grows in a swampy area and is highly perishable. If you find it in a store, snatch it up and use it fast. However if you live in a bog, you can eat these whenever you want. If you do live in a bog, please private message me with your photo and personal vitae. I think I love you.
- 1 cucumber, thinly sliced
- Cream cheese (you could use butter instead and normally I am always in favor of butter, but I am a firm believer of pairing cucumbers with cream cheese. Cucumbers are in favor of this also.)
- 8 thin slices of white bread
- ½ cup (or so) of watercress leaves
- Salt, because everything is better with salt
Using paper towels, pat the cucumber slices to remove excess moisture. Spread cream cheese (or butter, sigh) on one side of each bread slice. Layer the cucumber slices over four of the bread slices and scatter the watercress leaves on top. Lightly salt, then top with the other four slices.
Using a sharp knife, cut off the crusts from each sandwich and then cut on the diagonal, so you have two triangles. Arrange on a pretty plate and serve immediately. Extra credit if you serve them on a dish you inherited from your Old Lady aunt.