How to Survive a Home Invasion — According to a Nine-Year-Old

Back when I was 9 years old, I devised a foolproof survival plan in the event of a home invasion. It was a masterpiece. It took into account every eventuality.

No kidding.

robberMind you, my neighborhood was not an especially dangerous one. It’s not like there were reports of these things happening to our friends or relatives. To my knowledge there hadn’t been so much as a bike stolen off a porch, so I’m not sure why I thought there was a need for a plan. Maybe I saw something in a movie or TV show? In any case, if it ever did happen to us, I was prepared.

What aided my plan immensely was the layout of our home. Mine was the last bedroom down the hallway – first was my brothers’, then my parents’, then mine. Meaning I would have ample time to set my plan into action, as soon as the dastardly villain entered our house.

Click to Jump to Recipe

But just so you know, my plan did not include any heroic acts of bravery. My only concern was survival. At first I thought of hiding in my closet, but there were some problems with that. Mainly, I had no long garments to duck behind and the only large item in there — the purple bear my brother won at the state fair — would surely be something a criminal would want.

Finally, I came up with the idea of hiding under my bed. I know what you’re thinking: “But 9-year-old Christi, under the bed is the first place a Home Invader looks!”

Ah, yes, so true. But would they bother moving aside every box I set up around the perimeter of my bed to hide my whereabouts? Two boxes deep, I might add? I think not.

My plan was thus: Upon first hearing the commotion down the hallway, I would nimbly roll myself to the side of the bed and drop to the floor, quickly crawl underneath and swiftly move a box to cover the opening. Then I would lie very, very still.

But wait! If I left my bed unmade, surely Home Invader would be alerted to an additional person in the house and become intent on finding him/her! (See what I mean by considering every eventuality? I was one smart 9-year-old.)

The obvious answer was to make my bed before diving underneath it. Given the fact they had two bedrooms to pass before they reached mine, I felt certain this would work. But just to be completely safe (as I’m sure you already guessed or you’re not the smart readers I take you to be), I did a couple practice rounds to be sure it would succeed. The space under my bed was a little snug, but I was small so it didn’t matter.

Somehow, having this plan laid out so clearly made me feel much safer, overall. One can never be too careful when it comes to home invasions.

So, let’s review, shall we?

My Fool-Proof Home Invasion Survival Plan

Home Invader approaches home with great stealth, successfully picks lock and enters our fortress. After quickly surveying contents of living room, greedily noting the 19-inch television set, he makes his way down the hallway to do in the family.

I am peacefully slumbering in my bed, dreaming of puppies and butterflies and cotton candy and all things sweet and girly. Suddenly, the screams of my two brothers pierces the night. We’re under attack!

What do I do?girl making bed

I make my bed. Carefully tuck the bedspread over the pillows, perhaps set a doll on top — yes, that’s a nice touch.

Soon I hear the shouts of my parents as they attempt to save their sons. Mother is crying, sobbing hysterically. Father is angry, yelling, trying to fend off the attacker with a shoe.

Me? I quietly position myself under the bed, tucking a box over the only visible space, and quickly survey the perimeter to be certain I am safely hidden from view.

Surely I can hear the cries of my family? Surely someone — Mother, perhaps — is looking for me? But I have to stick to my plan, right? And according to my plan, I have to stay still and quiet. So, yeah … sorry about that family. You’re on your own.

Yep. That’s one sure-fire plan, that’s what that is.

Amazing what goes on in children’s minds, isn’t it? A bit terrifying, too.

Now, just in case you are tempted to copy my plan — because you just never know what might happen — it occurs to me that I left out a very crucial detail. That being: something to snack on while you wait for the police to arrive.

I mean, come on — chances are good you might start feeling a little peckish waiting things out. I realize you could just buy something and stick it under your bed, but I’m here to offer an alternative. It’s even reasonably healthy. Granola bars are a great snack, plus they’re rather fun to make because you can vary them to your taste and they’re pretty hard to mess up.

Reasonably Healthy Granola Bars

  • Servings: 9 bars
  • Time: about 30 mins
  • Difficulty: easy
  • Print

I prefer granola bars that are nutty and chocolatey, but you can add dried fruit, coconut, etc. Vary it up as much as you want, as long as you keep the dry to wet ratio similar. If the mixture doesn’t bind together, you’ll wind up with regular granola rather than bars. Although that can be good too. Just don’t stress out about it. Life is stressful enough as it is.

Ingredients:

  • 2 cups rolled oats
  • 1/2 cup chopped almonds, or whatever nuts you like
  • 1/4 cup chopped pumpkin seeds or sunflower seeds
  • 2 Tablespoons chia seeds or flax seeds
  • 2 Tablespoons protein powder (optional)
  • 2 Tablespoons brown sugar
  • 1/4 cup applesauce
  • 1/4 cup coconut oil (or any other oil)
  • 1/4 cup maple syrup or honey
  • 1/4 cup almond butter or peanut butter
  • 1 egg
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
  • 1/2 teaspoon almond extract (omit if using peanut butter)
  • 1/2 cup semi-sweet or dark chocolate chips

Directions:

Mix first six ingredients together in a large bowl. In small saucepan, mix together applesauce, oil, syrup or honey, nut butter and egg; cook over medium heat, stirring, until smooth. Remove from heat, stir in extracts, then add to dry ingredients and mix together well, until everything is coated.

Press into a 8″ square baking pan and bake at 325 for 20 minutes. When cooking time ends, turn off heat and leave in oven for another 10 minutes. Remove from oven and sprinkle chocolate chips on top. Let cool completely before cutting into bars.

Author: C. J. Hartwell

Christi lives in Phoenix with Husband, Son, Daughter, and Dog. She enjoys moonlit walks on the beach, but as she doesn't live anywhere near a beach, she's usually in bed by 9:30.

1 thought on “How to Survive a Home Invasion — According to a Nine-Year-Old”

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