Open Letter to My Spammers

ladyatdeskMy Dear Spammers,

Thank you so much for your interest in my blog and the dedicated attention you continually show to my posts — some of which were written several months ago. Your unwavering support of my writing cannot be denied. It is touching, truly.

Why, I remember when I was just starting out as a blogger: nervous, unsure of myself, wondering if anyone could possibly be interested in what I had to say. But there you were, giving me feedback and leaving comments — once I checked the spam folder, that is.

Which leads me to my main purpose in writing this letter, that being, how to keep your comments from winding up in a spam folder. I mean, if they hadn’t, I’d have something like 300 comments in my first month alone! Not to mention how many people would have seen your comments, which always included helpful links and business offers.

I’ve spent some time studying the situation, and I think I might have some tips for you. Please consider these points for the next spam .. er … comment … you leave:

  1. Use proper grammar

Here’s where paying attention in English class would have served you well. For instance, Felisha at login.obgyn-phx, when you wrote:

What a information of un-ambiguity and preserveness of valuable knowledge on the tkpic of unexpected emotions!

Perhaps you’ve never noticed, but if a red line shows up under a word you just typed? It means there’s something wrong with the word. Or in your case, phenomenally wrong. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but have you considered going back to school? It’s not too late. Give it some thought.

     2. Be sure your comment pertains to the post you’re commenting on

Leonid_Pasternak_-_The_Passion_of_creationThis seems rather basic, but nevertheless, it must be said. For instance, Malcom at winxclub-games, I’m sure your DJ services for wedding and catering events are to die for, but I’m confused as to why you chose my post on Beer to make your services known, instead of the post that was actually about a wedding?

Yet, on the wedding post, Millard from 3bebe.com went on at great lengths about his reasonable auto loans. You see my confusion? Please, work on this, people. Your DJ and auto loan businesses depend upon it!

    3. When writing a comment, avoid stanzas

I like poetry as much as the next gal, which is to say, not much. Apparently WordPress isn’t too hot about it either, as I often see in my spam folder something along the lines of what arrowupmarketing wrote:

We are offering a online website audit,poetry book
Find out 100% free…:
Things you can do YOUSELF
Who is talking about you online?
What is your online reputation like?
Do you have broken links?
Quick fixes to get more traffic to your site
Is you website mobile friendly in Google’s eyes
And ton’s of facts and fixes to get more traffic!

It’s almost singable, only not.

It may be that arrowupmarketing thought their lack of grammar skills would be forgiven if it was in verse form. If that’s the case, I commend him/her/it for their ingenuity. But knock it off, okay? It’s getting on my nerves.

4. Get yourself a coherent web address

I mean, seriously? Where do you get those things? Believe me, I know how tough it is to find a blog or web name worthy of your ambitions, but honestly! There’s just no excuse for this:

  • russianbuzz.com/index.php/blog/39795/aslan-4-pres
  • researcherid.com/rid/K-7803-2015
  • prof.providence-strasbourg.fr/?option.com
  • livechatpay00neer25.snack.ws/money-transfer-servi

Granted, russianbuzz sounds intriguing, but the remainder is just gibberish and will land you in the spam folder toot sweet. That goes for the rest of you too. A coherent web address is the way to go. Trust me on this one, livechatpay00neer.

Follow these tips soon, my dear spammers. I’m begging you.

Very sincerely yours,
C.J. at feedingonfolly.com
(See what I mean? Coherent!)

Now for my non-spamming readers: You know I love you best, right?

Maybe I don’t say it enough, but truly, I appreciate you. Really I do. So much so that I’m going to give you a recipe from my childhood cookbook, because it was the only recipe I could find that used Spam.

Did you know they still sell Spam? I had no idea, but apparently there is a whole subculture of people who are quite fond of it. As in, legitimately so.

Oh, and you know what else I learned? It’s quite the thing in Hawaii. I read that if you live in Hawaii and you don’t like Spam, you’re considered a bit odd.

I want you to know that I was planning on saying some pretty derisive things about Spam when I started this post. I was going to mention how unhealthy it was, too high in sodium, so on and so forth, but … well, if the Hawaiians like it, who am I to judge? I mean, they live in Hawaii for crying out loud. They must be doing something right.

So here’s the recipe from my Betty Crocker’s Boys and Girls Cookbook, circa 1973. I was a sweet young lass, just a babe in the woods, when I was given this book. I loved it a great deal. In fact, you might say it’s the book that made me what I am today, whatever that might be. And because I wanted you to see the recipe in its original form, I took a picture.

You’re welcome.

WP_20150929_18_26_44_Pro

How do you prefer your spam? On your plate or in your folder?

Author: C. J. Hartwell

Christi lives in Phoenix with Husband, Son, Daughter, and Dog. She enjoys moonlit walks on the beach, but as she doesn't live anywhere near a beach, she's usually in bed by 9:30.

12 thoughts on “Open Letter to My Spammers”

  1. Hi, I loved your post. We go to Maui almost every year and it is true, there is Spam there all the time, in the grocery stores and even at McDonald’s. Did you know there are lots of flavors of Spam and even low-sodium varieties now? Yummy. My hubby says the reason there’s so much in Hawaii is because military rations were left after WWII and a lot of those were Spam (which apparently hardly ever spoils!) I have no idea if that’s true, but it does seem reasonable. I do believe my mom might have tried to pawn that recipe off on us when we were kids, LOL.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I wrote a post entitled “It’s All Spam To Me” when I was taking WordPress 101. If it weren’t for the spammers, in the beginning, I’d have had no followers. Now, I can actually be more selective. One of my latest posts on Talk Like a Pirate Day mentioned pieces of eight bringing in an onslaught of spam from loan sharks, jewelry salesmen and coin collectors. I’ve learned to really appreciate Akismet for filtering out some of the strangest comments I have ever seen. Loved this post.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m happy to know I’m not the only one who checks out their spam folder! I always wonder about the people behind them — I mean, they are real people, right? Do they know they’re spammers? And does it actually work for them?
      Of course, I have found a couple of legitimate comments in the folder too, but you’re absolutely right, Akismet does a darn good job!

      Liked by 1 person

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