Does anyone else remember the days when shoe salespeople would hover over you, ask what you wanted, measure your feet, go to the back of the store to retrieve the box, and then actually put the shoes on your feet? Actually touching your feet?!

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Wow. Sure glad those hellish days are over. Aren’t you?

No doubt the shoe salespeople are happy too. In fact, I think the Shoe Sellers Union worked tirelessly trying to prevent salespeople from ever having to touch feet again. And I, for one, love them for it.

What I don’t love, however, is how many shoe stores are completely carpeted. I mean, what’s up with that? That is just so, so wrong! How the heck can someone choose a pair of shoes — a seriously important endeavor — in a completely carpeted store? It’s impossible, I say!

I mean, oh sure, you can judge a shoe by its looks, you can check its fit, you can even jump up and down if need be, but you can’t check its sound. And it is the sound of a shoe that is of the utmost importance. Am I right?

Tell me, have you ever bought a pair of shoes only to discover they squeaked? Or squished? Or made an undefinable floopy sound?

What I want — what I dream of — are shoes that are utterly quiet … silent as the air … nary a whisper or breath of sound … as inaudible as the most inaudible thing you’ve never heard.

You know. Like, really, really quiet.

I want to be the co-worker you never heard walk into your office. I’m standing there behind you, looking over your shoulder, you have no idea I’m there … look, I’m there now!  — and I’m gone again.

I’m that silent.

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Don’t get me wrong — I fully expect some shoes to make a sound. But when shopping for flats, which is my primary choice of footwear, I contend there should be no sound.

For instance, there should never be the sound of a click, click, click. Never, ever, a click, click, click. Shoes that go click, click, click, should only be heels. This is of vital importance.

I happen to know that whenever there’s a click, click, click happening, most men (and some women) stop whatever they’re doing and glance up, either to catch a glimpse of shapely legs or to see how well the woman paired her shoes with her outfit. And I can assure you that if I go click, click, click down the halls, I am wearing heels and my legs are damn shapely and my outfit is smashing.

So you better be wearing heels if you click, click, click. Otherwise, you’re just being a tease.

Similarly, you don’t want flats to go thunk, thunk, thunk, or its variation, clunk, clunk, clunk. These sounds are only acceptable in boots. Boots that are high heels, of course, are permitted the click, click, click, but every other boot should do the thunk, thunk, thunk or the clunk, clunk, clunk.

If you’re really, really lucky, you might find a stylish boot with flat heels that is as silent as an angel’s sigh. If you do, please send me a message where you located them and I’ll buy out the store.

I’m waiting for your message now. Please don’t let me down.

One time I had such a pair of boots. They were lovely, made out of Italian leather from real Italian cows. I loved those boots. Unfortunately, they fell victim to a house rabbit who mistook them for a chew toy. The rabbit’s name was Mr. Peabody. I showed him a recipe I had for Rabbit Stew. Even then he showed no remorse. Damn rabbit.

Recently I have been on the hunt for a pair of soundless flats, but oddly enough, those terms do not show up on shoe descriptions. And salespeople look at you funny when you ask them where their quiet shoes are. Try it sometime. They just don’t get it.

All too frequently, I find a pair that’s completely serviceable, nothing exciting, only to find out it was apparently intended for a tap dancer.

Other shoes might prove themselves sufficiently quiet, but may require a background check to prove you won’t use it as a dangerous weapon.

Another might be both quiet and non-lethal, but as you stopped wearing jumpers and headbands long ago, you’re not sure it’s in keeping with your lithe-like, surreptitious style.

And then there’s the shoe you actually want to wear. Guaranteed silence, guaranteed comfort, guaranteed not office dress code.

So what can the serious-minded, stylish office ninja do?

Well, I’ve been considering taking a course in jazz dance. Really. Look at these shoes, will ya? Man, I would be so freakin’ quiet in these shoes!

Just think of how I could sneak up behind co-workers … with just a touch of polish and finesse.

And all that jazz.