Does anyone else remember the days when shoe salespeople would hover over you, ask what you wanted, measure your feet, go to the back of the store to retrieve the box, and then actually put the shoes on your feet? Actually touching your feet?!Embed from Getty Images
Wow. Sure glad those hellish days are over. Aren’t you?
No doubt the shoe salespeople are happy too. In fact, I think the Shoe Sellers Union worked tirelessly trying to prevent salespeople from ever having to touch feet again. And I, for one, love them for it.
What I don’t love, however, is how many shoe stores are completely carpeted. I mean, what’s up with that? That is just so, so wrong! How the heck can someone choose a pair of shoes — a seriously important endeavor — in a completely carpeted store? It’s impossible, I say!
I mean, oh sure, you can judge a shoe by its looks, you can check its fit, you can even jump up and down if need be, but you can’t check its sound. And it is the sound of a shoe that is of the utmost importance. Am I right?
Tell me, have you ever bought a pair of shoes only to discover they squeaked? Or squished? Or made an undefinable floopy sound?
What I want — what I dream of — are shoes that are utterly quiet … silent as the air … nary a whisper or breath of sound … as inaudible as the most inaudible thing you’ve never heard.
You know. Like, really, really quiet.
I want to be the co-worker you never heard walk into your office. I’m standing there behind you, looking over your shoulder, you have no idea I’m there … look, I’m there now! — and I’m gone again.
I’m that silent.
Don’t get me wrong — I fully expect some shoes to make a sound. But when shopping for flats, which is my primary choice of footwear, I contend there should be no sound.
For instance, there should never be the sound of a click, click, click. Never, ever, a click, click, click. Shoes that go click, click, click, should only be heels. This is of vital importance.
I happen to know that whenever there’s a click, click, click happening, most men (and some women) stop whatever they’re doing and glance up, either to catch a glimpse of shapely legs or to see how well the woman paired her shoes with her outfit. And I can assure you that if I go click, click, click down the halls, I am wearing heels and my legs are damn shapely and my outfit is smashing.
So you better be wearing heels if you click, click, click. Otherwise, you’re just being a tease.
Similarly, you don’t want flats to go thunk, thunk, thunk, or its variation, clunk, clunk, clunk. These sounds are only acceptable in boots. Boots that are high heels, of course, are permitted the click, click, click, but every other boot should do the thunk, thunk, thunk or the clunk, clunk, clunk.
If you’re really, really lucky, you might find a stylish boot with flat heels that is as silent as an angel’s sigh. If you do, please send me a message where you located them and I’ll buy out the store.
I’m waiting for your message now. Please don’t let me down.
One time I had such a pair of boots. They were lovely, made out of Italian leather from real Italian cows. I loved those boots. Unfortunately, they fell victim to a house rabbit who mistook them for a chew toy. The rabbit’s name was Mr. Peabody. I showed him a recipe I had for Rabbit Stew. Even then he showed no remorse. Damn rabbit.
Recently I have been on the hunt for a pair of soundless flats, but oddly enough, those terms do not show up on shoe descriptions. And salespeople look at you funny when you ask them where their quiet shoes are. Try it sometime. They just don’t get it.
All too frequently, I find a pair that’s completely serviceable, nothing exciting, only to find out it was apparently intended for a tap dancer.
Other shoes might prove themselves sufficiently quiet, but may require a background check to prove you won’t use it as a dangerous weapon.
Another might be both quiet and non-lethal, but as you stopped wearing jumpers and headbands long ago, you’re not sure it’s in keeping with your lithe-like, surreptitious style.
And then there’s the shoe you actually want to wear. Guaranteed silence, guaranteed comfort, guaranteed not office dress code.
So what can the serious-minded, stylish office ninja do?
Well, I’ve been considering taking a course in jazz dance. Really. Look at these shoes, will ya? Man, I would be so freakin’ quiet in these shoes!
Just think of how I could sneak up behind co-workers … with just a touch of polish and finesse.
And all that jazz.
You knew the recipe would be for sole, didn’t you? Don’t you feel clever?
- 1/3 cup almonds, toasted (you may need more if you’re like me and snack on them while cooking)
- 4 fillets of Sole (Actually any mild whitefish will do; full disclosure: I used tilapia because it was on sale)
- 1/4 cup butter
- 1 clove garlic, minced
- Juice from half a lemon
- 1/4 cup white wine (Whatever you like to drink; I used a Pinot Grigio)
To toast almonds, put in a small dry skillet over medium-low heat, stirring constantly, until fragrant and lightly browned. This takes about two minutes, tops.
Salt and pepper both sides of fillets. Coat a large skillet with cooking spray or olive oil and place over medium heat. Add the fillets and cook a few minutes. Gently flip and cook until the fish is opaque in the center and just cooked through, a few minutes more (this depends on the thickness of your fillets, but it shouldn’t take long). Divide between serving plates; tent with foil to keep warm.
Add butter to the pan and melt over medium heat. Add garlic, wine and lemon juice; loosen any browned bits on the bottom of the pan and cook for about a minute. Spoon the sauce over the fish and sprinkle each portion with the toasted almonds.
Serve with sauteed or roasted vegies and the rest of the wine. Enjoy! 🙂
12 thoughts on “Shoe Shopping for the Stylish Ninja Wannabe”
As always, so incredibly entertaining!
Thank you Carey! You made my day!
Of course! This post certainly brightened my morning as well 🙂
Love your stories and the recipes!
Thanks! Always glad to spread a smile! 🙂
I’m a big fan of the satisfying slap, slap, slap sound that flip flops make.
Yes, I suppose that would be satisfying for you, especially in Barbados! Alas, not in office dress code either. 😟
I am completely with you on the Beauty of Silent Shoes. They should be seen and not heard, like children used to be. And while I understand that there will be SOME noise with high heels, it’s the nature of the beast, some folks take it too FAR, sounding as if they are trying to break through the crust of a frozen lake so they can go ice-fishing. If you need to stomp THAT loudly when moving from one room to another, you need to be on medication of some kind, bottom line… 🙂
P.S. My fave footwear? Converse tennis shoes, the old-school style. I always have at least 10 pair around here somewhere, in a variety of colors to fit my psychological needs. They are actually terrible for you to wear, since they offer absolutely no support and my arches and back are due to collapse any minute now, but I love them, and they allow me perform covert actions with nary a hint of detection…
I work with a woman who makes a LOT of noise everywhere she goes. You always know when she’s coming. Has a kind of clomp, clomp, clomp thing going on there. I don’t think shag carpeting would silence her.
What’s up with that? She’s from New York, by the way.
Your posts are always so fun. Thanks for the writing and the recipe.
Well, thank you for the kind words! 🙂