How to be an Effective Office Employee … So I Don’t Kill You

Hey gang, guess what I found out this week? I’m what is commonly referred to as an Office Manager. Imagine that!

Seriously, I didn’t know. I mean, I kind of just drifted into this position, so I didn’t think about what it entailed. Anyway, I work in an office with about … Well, let’s see … How many employees? … One, two, three … there’s another around the corner … can’t forget the one up there … Oh hell. I don’t know. They all seem to be doing their job well enough, so I’m not going to worry about it.

But it occurred to me that at some point, one of them might leave and then we’d have an opening. If that should happen, and if one of you should apply for the position — obviously I’d give my dedicated readers first crack at it.

After all, if you are the fine, intelligent readers I take you to be, I have no doubt you can handle any job duty thrown at you. So these tips will give you an inside track on how to stay on my good side, once you get the job. You’re welcome.

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• Dress appropriately. If anything jiggles or bounces or has a chance of escaping the confines of your apparel, rethink your apparel. As a general rule, leave much to the imagination. Actually, leave everything to the imagination.

• DO NOT USE ALL CAPS IN YOUR EMAILS. YOU KNOW THIS IS SHOUTING, RIGHT? SO WHY ARE YOU STILL DOING IT? OH GREAT, NOW MY HEAD HURTS.

• but not using any capitals or punctuation at all makes me think you are a pathetic loser and not worth my time seriously you have self esteem issues and need help but not from me cause not my job now go away

• If I am on the phone and you need to tell me something, do not mime it in front of my desk or mouth it as if I read lips. Write it on a post-it and save the charades for your next party.

• Actually, don’t include charades at your next party. It’s another sign you’re a loser.

• Stop telling me about the pimple you found under your armpit and are now worried that it might be cancer because you researched it online. For three days. It’s a pimple. Stop obsessing.

• But you should probably get it checked out, just in case.

• When co-workers are whispering by the water cooler, it doesn’t mean they are talking about you. Don’t come whining to me when it happens. They’re not talking about you. It’s highly unlikely they’re even thinking about you. In fact, whole days have gone by when you’ve not even crossed their minds.

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• Get over the fact they’re not thinking about you.

• Do you have little pet phrases that you say over and over again? Phrases like “It is what it is,” or “You know what I’m sayin’?” or “Wassuuppp?” Stop it. Stop it now. Consider yourself warned.

• Bringing homemade cookies or brownies to share with co-workers is sweet. Bringing homemade cookies or brownies to share with co-workers every other day smells of desperation and makes you out to be a bit pathetic. You probably don’t use capitals or punctuation either. Loser.

• Please do not keep telling me how busy you are. You’re busy. I get it. You were busy yesterday and you’ll be busy tomorrow. We are all very impressed with your busyness. Actually we’re not, but it seems to make you feel better so that’s what we say.

Okay, I think that about covers it for now. If something else comes up that annoys me, I’ll be sure to let you know.

Writing this made me think of a woman I used to work with. About once a month she would bring a griddle from home, plug it in by her desk, and make banana pancakes for any co-worker who stopped by. She’d also bring butter and syrup. Granted, the banana pancakes were delicious, but … yeah. Banana pancakes at work.

At another place I worked, there was a woman who would set up an omelet bar. I’m not kidding.

Now, I know there may be times you want to bring some sort of homemade goodie for your co-workers, but not in a pathetic, please-dear-god-love-me sort of way, but in a, hey-here-are-some-muffins-hope-you-like-them sort of way. If so, here are some muffins. Hope you like them.