Color My World With Pseudo Science

We’re nearing the end of January — how are those resolutions holding up for ya? Not so good?

Never fear! We at Feeding on Folly have found the answer to make all your goals come true, and all you need do is grab a paintbrush!

For instance, are you having trouble losing weight?

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According to “experts” (exactly who these experts are, I have no idea) the thing to do is paint your kitchen walls blue.

Why is this? No one knows. But apparently people with blue kitchens are thinner than people with red kitchens. Also green kitchens equal lean people. Paint your kitchen either blue or green and the weight will just melt off you. But don’t go red or you’ll eat your way to oblivion.

Or so the theory goes.

My kitchen walls are turquoise. (The paint chip was called Mermaid’s Cove, and really, who can resist that?) Anyway, it’s basically blue/green.

Get this: it just so happens that Husband lost 20 pounds last year! If that doesn’t serve as proof-positive in the color theory, I don’t know what does.

Except my walls were turquoise back when he put the weight on, too, but let’s not focus on that, okay? Pseudo-science works much better when you don’t apply logic.

Now, let’s say you were hoping to be more productive this year. Maybe you planned on finally getting organized, once and for all.  (Yes! This is the year I will clean the garage!) The first week you cleaned a few shelves, the next week a closet, and then Downton Abbey started… well, you know how it goes.

Here’s what you do: paint your walls orange! According to Feng Shui (that’s scientific, right?) orange is a yang color and it promotes concentration, focus and organization.

It may also cause your neighbors to question your sanity, but hey, you can’t have everything.

But wait! If you plan on writing in this room or being otherwise creatively engaged, then DO NOT paint your walls orange. Otherwise you’ll be incredibly tense and start editing like a crazy person.

Instead, go blue. Blue is the color of the sky and the sea and all things serene and calm and oh-so-tranquil. And the best thing is that you can use the leftover paint from your kitchen, where you’re now getting skinny. You see how scientific this is?

Moving on — do you need to work on your love life? Let’s look at the color of your bedroom walls.

Are they off-white, or horror of horrors, beige? My God people, what were you thinking when you picked that color? Beige walls equal beige sex.

Better break out the Glidden, buddy.

What color should you use? According to a British survey, people who have purple walls report having the most “intimate encounters.”

Don’t you love that term? Intimate encounters…

Remember, these are Brits we’re talking about. An intimate encounter for Miles and Winifred might be bumping into each other. (Oh goodness, I’m so sorry, my dear. *giggle*)

But let’s assume for the moment that ‘intimate encounters’ covers more than just spooning. According to the survey, people with purple walls report having such encounters 4.9 times a week! Impressive, right? While our lonely little beige-walled couples only bump into each other .6 times a week. That’s just a little over half a bump every seven days.

That’s so sad!

Hmm. I hate to bring up a little thing like logic again, but it could be that people with purple walls are liars. Did anyone think of that? I mean, honestly, would you trust a person with purple walls?

Side note: If I go home and find my walls are Barney Purple, I’ll know Husband read this post.

Oh wait — reprieve! — it looks like people with caramel colored walls are also high in the romance department. And no wonder — I mean, just look at this room! Who couldn’t get it on in this room?

Heck, I could even sleep in this room!

The important thing we take away from all this is that whatever problem we might be facing, there is a color that can make it go away. Possibly. As long as we believe it will.

And therein lies the key.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I like color. (I have a turquoise kitchen, after all.) But do I believe every person from every culture has the same reaction to the same colors?

Pshaw.

There might be several websites that say otherwise (all citing the others as their references), but there is surprisingly little science to back up any of it.

But there is a scientifically proven method to improve your life with color. That being, add more color to your dinner plate. Fill your shopping carts with colorful fruits and vegetables, make sure every meal you eat includes various colors of the rainbow, and you’re well on your way to a healthier you.

And that, my friends, is a proven fact.