I’ll Have One Existential Crisis, Hold the Mayo

Editor: Exciting news readers! Our Writer Self is being interviewed by our Reporter Self! This is just further proof of the sparkling innovation we’ve got going here at Feeding on Folly. (Not to mention insanity.) So without further ado, let’s get to it. I’m just going to stand over here and eat my sandwich. One damn fine sandwich, it is. Take it away ladies!

writing at computerReporter: Hello, Writer Self. Thank you for speaking with me today.

Writer: Glad to do it. I like your shoes, by the way.

R: Thanks! They are cute, aren’t they? And sooo comfortable. I got them on sale.

W: Nice. So, how does this work exactly? I’ve never been interviewed by an alter ego before.

R: I’m not sure. You’re the first writer I ever interviewed.

W: Oh really?

R: Actually, you’re my first interview ever.

W: Wait… what?

Click to Jump to Recipe

R: Well, I never got too far into the whole reporting thing, and–

W: You mean you’re not a real reporter?

R: Well, I took some classes.

W: How many?

R: One.

W: One?!

R: Yeah. Except I didn’t finish it, and–

W: You failed reporting?

R: No, I didn’t fail it. I dropped it.

W: Let me guess. You dropped it so you wouldn’t fail.

R: Can we move on now?

W: Fine.

R: Okay, so how long have you been doing this blog thing?

W: Blog thing? That’s what we’re calling it? Well, um… let’s see… I guess I’m nearly at 10 months now. Wow. I had no idea I’d be at it this long!

R: Ten months?

W: Yeah. Time flies, doesn’t it?

R: You haven’t been at this a full year yet? (Whispers over her shoulder) I thought you said she was a real writer?!

W: I beg your pardon?

R: Never mind. I swear, you can’t trust editors.

W: Tell me about it. They’re the worst. Especially her. But at least she’s leaving me alone today. I swear, she’s got a love affair going on with the delete key.

R: Oh, she’s not so bad. At least her spelling is good.

W: I suppose.

interviewR: Now, let’s go to our next question: Where do you get ideas for your posts?

W: Oh, gosh, just about anywhere I guess. It might be something I see on the way to work, or a comment someone makes. Often they come to me when I’m at work, which is annoying. I started carrying around a small notebook, so I could jot ideas down.

R: Do you ever write about your work?

W: Not so much, no.

R: Tell me about the people you work with. What are they like?

W: The people I work with are the most extraordinary, the most wonderful human beings on the planet. I mean, they are just the best. The BEST. And they’re good looking, too. Like, really, really, good looking. And smart. They are super smart.

R: They read this blog, don’t they?

W: Several of them, yes.

R: Okay, let’s talk about something else then.

W: Thank you.

Editor: Excuse me. This will only take a second…

W: What are you doing?

R: Ooh. That looks like one damn fine sandwich you got there.

E: Yes, it is quite good.

W: What the–? You promised you’d leave me alone today!

E: Oh, stop being so sensitive. You have too many commas in this sentence.

W: Hey! Put that one back!

E: It’s not needed. You always use far too many commas.

W: I use the perfect amount of commas, thank you very much! I’m a firm believer in commas!

E: Obviously. Also, you keep starting sentences with ‘and’. We’ve talked about this before.

R: Um… can we get back to the interview now?

E: Hey! What’s this about me having an affair with the delete key?!

R: That wasn’t me.

Oxford-CommaE: I’d never cheat on the undo button!

W: I want my commas back! Long live the comma!

R: Oh dear God.

E: Without me your writing would suck big time!

W: That’s not true! And you should have put a comma after ‘me’.

E: There! Right there! You started a sentence with ‘and’ again! My God! Did you even go to school?!

W: (Hands over ears) La-la-la, I can’t hear you, la-la-la…

R: Oh, for Pete’s sake– You! Get back over there and eat your sandwich! And you– You need to grow up!

W: I want my commas back!

R: No one cares about your freakin’ commas! Here’s a tissue. Blow your nose.

W: Why is she always so mean?

R: She’s an editor. She can’t help it.

W: I just wish she’d leave me alone. She’s always criticizing me. And butting in and taking my commas.

R: Yes, but she also corrects your spelling, so get over it.

W: (sniff) Thank you for using two commas in that sentence, just now. I appreciate it.

R: You’re welcome. Now, can we get back to the interview?

W: Yes, I’m better now. Thank you.

R: Okay. So tell me, how does it feel to have several hundred people reading your blog?

W: I have several hundred hundred people reading my blog?! Really? When did this happen?

R: Well, I just assumed–

W: Oh, geez. What are you trying to do, give me a stroke? God, first it’s her, then it’s you… I wonder what it’s like to have a nice alter ego?

R: Okay then, how many people are reading your blog?

W: Well, I don’t think numbers are that important.

R: Exactly how many numbers are not important?

W: The main thing is just that I’m getting my writing out there and doing my gosh-darn best.

R: Uh-huh.

W: No, really! I’m thrilled with the number of people reading my blog. I couldn’t be happier. I’m totally satisfied with things exactly how they are.

R: *scoff*

W: What?

R: When have you ever been satisfied with the way things are?

W: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

R: Aw, come on! You can’t fool me! You check your stats page every twelve minutes.

W: I do not!

R: Liar.

W: Fine, don’t believe me. But I think it’s much better to have a small number of faithful readers, than a large number of occasional readers.

R: Right. So if a large number of people suddenly started following your blog, you’d be miserable.

W: I didn’t say that.

R: Geez. My first interview and I get stuck with a loser.

W: Hey!

R: I wonder if Mark Manson is available for an interview. I should give him a call.

W: OMG! You’re such a whore!

R: And you’re a phony liar!

W: Oh yeah? Well… your shoes are ugly! I was lying before. They’re super ugly!

R: *Gasp* You take that back!

W: Your shoes are ugly, your shoes are ugly!

Editor: Um… I think that ends our interview for today. Stay tuned next week when we’ll offer a new look at — Ouch! Could someone pull these two apart? Dang, that’s gonna leave a bruise — Where was I? Oh, yes. Next week we’ll be doing a piece on — Hey, put that down! That doesn’t belong to you! Aw, damn. That was my favorite chair, too. Just cut to the recipe, will ya? Dear God, look at all those commas…

One Damn Fine Sandwich

  • Servings: 1
  • Difficulty: insanely simple
  • Print

Once when we were visiting family in Wisconsin, they took us to a restaurant called The Happy Pig. Nearly every sandwich on the menu included ham or bacon, which made me wonder what the pig was so happy about. Anyway, there was one vegetarian sandwich on the menu, and while I’m not vegetarian, I sometimes impersonate one. That sandwich was one damn fine sandwich, let me tell you. This is my version of it:

2 slices whole grain bread — I used a sprouted 9-grain bread, but when I can find pumpernickel, I use that

Spread pesto or mustard on each slice and add your toppings:WP_20160123_12_59_28_Pro[1]

  • 2 slices of provolone cheese
  • sliced tomatoes
  • sliced avocado
  • sliced bell pepper
  • sliced red onion
  • sliced cucumber
  • alfalfa sprouts or leafy greens (whatever you prefer)

Sprinkle with a simple oil and vinegar vinaigrette and a little salt and pepper. Add the top slice of bread and press gently. Enjoy!

Author: C. J. Hartwell

Christi lives in Phoenix with Husband, Son, Daughter, and Dog. She enjoys moonlit walks on the beach, but as she doesn't live anywhere near a beach, she's usually in bed by 9:30.

15 thoughts on “I’ll Have One Existential Crisis, Hold the Mayo”

  1. Now I’m hungry. Oh…the interview was great too. Shame the interview was interrupted by a brawl at the end, but that added just the right touch. Made it feel like the old Jerry Springer Show—all that blood and guts. You don’t see that much in blogs anymore. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  2. And I think that maybe, possibly, this just might be, unless another one of your witty treatises comes to mind, your best piece so far, at least in my own humble, chaste and demure opinion. And I’m slightly jealous, if you must know, in that lovingly jealous way that writers have when one of their writer buddies hits it out of the park with grace, humor, creativity, and some damn fine sandwiches…

    Liked by 1 person

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