It’s Finished Flat Abs. I’m Over You.

We’ve grown apart over the years and lately, I’ve been thinking we were never meant to be together.

Do you remember when we first met? It was in that aerobics class in college. I was looking for an easy A, you showed up about a month later. I was impressed with your strength and… well, your flatness. And somehow you made me feel more pretty when we were together.

Cartoon woman doing situpsBut looking back, I wonder if I was ever truly happy in our relationship. Frankly, you were high maintenance, Flat Abs. Did you know that?

Nothing I did was ever good enough for you. If I gave you 30 sit-ups, you wanted 50; when I gave you 50, you wanted 75. Sometimes I think you enjoyed seeing me in pain.

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My God, when I think of what I gave up just to make you happy. I knew you didn’t like my friends, Pizza and Brownies, but then you made me stop hanging with Bread! You knew how much he meant to me! Honestly, I’m not sure I can ever forgive you for that.

But in spite of everything I did for you, everything I gave up, you started to distance yourself from me.

Don’t deny it. You know you did.

It started about the time I had children. It was like you couldn’t stand not being the center of attention anymore. I tried to make our relationship work, but no matter what I did – sit-ups, planks, Pilates – you remained aloof. Just out of reach.

screen-shot-2016-10-17-at-10-48-17-amThat was about the time I started cheating on you.

It started innocently. A little quickie with Ice Cream, a reckless evening with S’Mores. Before I knew it, whenever I was at Macaroni Grill, I couldn’t keep my hands off the bread. So warm and crusty, dripping in olive oil… oh my.

I used to feel guilty about my little transgressions, but no more. We’re done, Flat Abs. Kaput. No longer will I look up tips on how to lure you back. I’m so over exercises promising you’ll return in 30 days. Never again will I look at ‘after’ pictures where you try and convince me the ‘before’ is less attractive, less happy. I know better now.

drawing of woman giving thumbs upThe fact is, I’ve been seeing someone else. Her name is Belly Fat.

It’s funny, when I first met her I didn’t like her much. But the more we hung around together, the more I realized she cared about my happiness.

It was her idea I spend more time with my friends, including Bread. I can’t tell you what that meant to me. What’s more, she even encouraged me to wear comfy sweaters and pants with elastic waistbands.

You never did that.

So this is goodbye, Flat Abs. Adios. Arrivederci. I’d like to wish you well, but I can’t. What I really wish is that you’d stay where you belong, with athletes and bodybuilders. Leave the rest of us alone. Stop tormenting us with your broken promises and shallow dreams.

Life is meant to be enjoyed, Flat Abs. As are Brownies. So shove off.

Goodbye forever,
A More Empowered Me

Chocolate Cheesecake Brownies

  • Servings: 24
  • Difficulty: worth every calorie
  • Print

Ingredients:

  • 1 cup (2 sticks) butter, softened
  • wp_20161016_20_01_44_pro1/2 cup cream cheese (1/2 package, or 4 oz.)
  • 2 cups sugar
  • 3 eggs
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
  • 1 cup flour
  • 3/4 cup cocoa
  • 1/4 teaspoon baking powder
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 3/4 cup chopped walnuts (optional)
  • Chocolate frosting (recipe below)

Grease bottom of 13′ by 9′ pan.
In large bowl, beat together butter, cream cheese, sugar, eggs and vanilla. Mix until thoroughly combined. In separate bowl, mix together flour, cocoa, baking powder and salt. Slowly add dry ingredients to the butter mixture, stir until well blended. Stir in nuts.
Spread batter in pan and bake in 325° oven for 35 to 40 minutes, until toothpick inserted in middle comes out clean.
Cool completely before frosting. (And yes, you want to frost them. Come on, you know you do.)

Chocolate Frosting

  • 3 Tablespoons butter
  • 3 Tablespoons cocoa
  • 3/4 teaspoon vanilla extract
  • 1 and 1/3 cup powdered sugar
  • 1 to 2 tablespoons milk

In a small mixing bowl, add ingredients and beat together to a spreading consistency. Makes one cup of frosting, enough for a pan of brownies and a happy belly.

27 thoughts on “It’s Finished Flat Abs. I’m Over You.”

  4. Flat abs?!? You know that is a myth. They don’t exist, never have. People who look like they have them are really aliens. Their claim of flat abs is a way to distract us from their real purpose of conquering Earth…

  5. Man, I’ve seen some breakups in my time (including a nasty birthday card) but, wow, when you dump ’em they stay dumped. I don’t blame you. I dumped Flat Abs years ago (too controlling) but the in-your-face Brownie recipe… That just says don’t mess with CJ or she’ll blog you off the planet. Good for you.

    1. Okay, now you’ve got me curious – did someone send you a birthday card to break up with you? Whoa! That’s a degree of coldness I can only hope to achieve. 😀
      Thanks for the encouragement, WD. Happy bellies forever!

  7. That was such a pleasure to read! Laughed all the way through but it brought back memories of my own traumatic break up with flat abs. Still, cake, chocolate and I have been in a successful and committed polygamous relationship for years, so it was all worth it.

  9. Reblogged this on that little voice and commented:
    C.J. is still young enough to remember her relationship with Flat Abs. I don’t think I was ever visited by, much less kissed by, Flatty, as some of my friends called her. I saw pictures of her. I read about her. I even started running (back in the day) in order to cross paths with her. Nothing worked. Maybe my insistence on eating brownies as I ran dissuaded her from joining me.

    Great read, C.J.

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