If you work in an office, you’ve no doubt seen your share of anonymous notes. Maybe even written one?
It’s all right if you have. You’re safe here.
Anonymous notes are great for several reasons:
- They’re anonymous! You can say anything you want, without censor!
- They keep everyone off-guard as they wonder who wrote it. Was it the guy in the next cubicle? The woman down the hall? The janitor? No one knows!
- What’s an office without a little passive aggressive behavior? A sad excuse for an office, that’s what!
- Done right, your anonymous note might wind up HERE.
Proper Format for the Killer Anonymous Note
Choose Your Topic Carefully
The key is to fixate on something trivial and let it fester until you can’t take it anymore.
Are there dirty dishes in the break room sink? That’s a good one.
A spill in the refrigerator? Run with it.
Are you, like, the only person who makes the coffee around here? Hey, don’t get me started.
Open With a Joke or Cutesy Remark
A good opening makes the transition into complaint mode seamless.
Coffee Etiquette 101 — cute, am I right? If that won’t make them step right up to read your note, I don’t know what will.
Embrace Your Passive Aggressive Side
Summon the spirit of your great-aunt Bertha, if need be. The key is to feign politeness with a touch of criticism.
Try something along the lines of, “I couldn’t help but notice the dirty dishes in the sink. Please remember that this is not your kitchen and no one is going to clean up after you!”
One might point out that it’s not your kitchen either. Nor your sink, nor your dishes. But that’s beside the point. We can’t let reason undermine our outrage.
Make Full Use of Exclamation Points and Emoticons
Why use one exclamation point when five will do just as well? After all, how are they going to know you mean business?
“If you spill something, wipe it up!!! 😠😦😩
List the Reasons Their Behavior is Unacceptable
Everyone loves a list, the more redundant the better:
1. If you take the last of the coffee, always make a new pot.”
2. It’s good manners to make a new pot if you took the last cup.”
3. If you see less than a cupful left, make a new pot.”
It practically sings!
Leave the Note Up Indefinitely
No one else will take it down because they don’t know who wrote it, and you can’t take it down because that’s admitting it’s yours. Therefore it must stay until the edges curl and the tape yellows and the company is sold and all the reasons you were ever angry in the first place are long forgotten.
So, yeah. Leave it up okay?
You know what puzzles me the most about anonymous notes? If what you penned was truly heartfelt, something you poured your heart and soul into, why wouldn’t you put your name on it?
Maybe it’s just the writer in me, always seeking recognition. In any case, if your literary attempt at setting your coworkers right is taken wrong, you’ll need a way to make amends.
The best way to do that is with something homemade.
This is the perfect cake to share with your coworkers. It has chocolate and coffee in it! Plus, if there’s milk in the break room past its expiration date, you can use that too. 😮
If you’re not big on coffee, it’s really only the frosting where you detect the flavor. You can substitute milk, but I will say that when I took this cake to work, even the tea drinkers liked it.
Chocolate Cake with Caramel Mocha Frosting
- 1 ¾ cups flour
- 2 cups sugar
- ¾ cup cocoa
- 1 teaspoon baking soda
- 1 teaspoon baking powder
- 1 teaspoon salt
- 1 cup sour milk (or add 2 Tablespoons vinegar to 1 cup fresh milk; can also use buttermilk)
- ½ cup vegetable oil
- 2 eggs
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
- 1 cup coffee (or 1 cup boiling water with 2 teaspoons instant coffee granules)
Combine dry ingredients in a large mixing bowl. Add liquid ingredients and mix on medium speed until smooth, about three minutes. Batter will be thin.
Pour into a greased 13 x 9-inch pan and bake at 350° for 35 to 40 minutes, until toothpick inserted in middle comes out clean. Cool completely before frosting. (You can make the frosting while the cake cools.)
Caramel Mocha Frosting
- ½ cup butter
- 1 cup brown sugar, packed
- ¼ cup strong coffee (or milk)
- 2 cups powdered sugar
- ½ teaspoon vanilla extract
Heat butter in saucepan until melted, stir in sugar. Heat to boiling, stirring constantly. Reduce heat, cook and stir two minutes. Stir in coffee (or milk) and vanilla extract. Remove from heat, let cool.
Gradually stir in powdered sugar, beat until smooth and of spreading consistency. If frosting becomes too thick, add a little milk, one teaspoon at a time.