The Blogger’s Annual Review

wp_20170101_13_12_33_proState your name, please.

Hey, what’s with the light?

Just state your name, please.

Christi. What is this? An interrogation?

Yes. Yes it is.

Who are you?

I’m one of the WordPress BPs.

BPs?

Blogger Police. We’re conducting our annual review of blogs to see which ones will be allowed to continue.

Allowed to continue? But I thought the whole point of WordPress was blogging!

We’re trying to crack down. Tell me, what are you offering that 10 million other bloggers aren’t offering already?

Geez, are there really 10 million blogs out there?

Give or take a mil. Says here you claim to be a humorist. I’m not laughing.

I can see that. Maybe I’m an acquired taste?

(Looks at watch) I don’t have time for acquiring. Five hundred new blogs popped up just since this post started. And what’s with the recipes? Is this a humor blog or a recipe blog?

Um… it’s kinda both?

Sounds flighty to me. (scribbles something in notebook)

I was going for versatile.

Not buying it. Look, readers want content that matters. Frankly, this blog looks frivolous. What’s with your logo of a chef in a fools cap? It’s like you’re not even trying to make a difference.

Make a difference with what? Are you sure you’re with WordPress? I thought they were nicer than this.

We’ve changed. Get over it. Quick, name one post you wrote last year that you’re proud of. Something that motivated people toward a better way of living.

Cartoon woman doing situpsUh… well, I wrote a break up letter to my flat abs. Rather proud of that one, as my drawing of me doing situps wasn’t half bad. Anyway, I was encouraging women to let go of unrealistic expectations and embrace their chubby bellies.

Huh-uh. And did they?

maybe?

(taps pencil) Is that the best you got?

Uh… let’s see… Oh! I advocated for websites to stop using pop-ups!

Pop-ups? Wow. Real controversial material there.

Okay, now you’re just being rude. I don’t think you’re with WordPress at all. I bet you’re from Reddit.

Let’s talk readership. Which post of yours attracted the most views last year?

Wine fieldsOh, yeah! That’d be my post on the wineries. The visitor’s center in Calaveras County posted it on their Facebook page, and suddenly I got a big boost in readers! It was really exciting!

Is that so? Did it go viral?

No… not exactly viral. More like a minor cough. But… you know… it was something.

(scribbles in notebook) I see. Okay, last question: What are your plans for the new year? How are you going to change lives, challenge the status quo, present relevant and necessary information?

… um… I paid the extra $15 to get rid of ads. Does that count?

(snaps notebook shut) Well, I think I’ve heard enough. I’ll make my recommendation to the Powers That Be next Tuesday and they’ll mail the foreclosure notice to you. Allow four to six weeks for delivery.Family picture

What?! Hey, wait a minute! Okay, so I don’t handle serious stuff on my blog. But not everything needs to be serious, right? People need a place where they can relax, have a chuckle, and maybe get a great family recipe for macaroni and cheese.

Hey Irving! Kill the lights, will ya? We’re shutting this place down.

Say, you don’t work for WordPress! I recognize your Gravatar! You’re that blogger that gives all the empty likes and follows!

What? No, you got me confused with someone else. That’s my brother.

You even ‘liked’ an About Me page that was a default “This is an About page…”

Okay, fine! It’s me! But hey, I got more followers than you, so there! Nyah-nyah-nyah!

OMG! This isn’t a popularity contest!

Of course it is! It’s all about who has the most followers, and all those empty likes and follows work, baby! I got 80 new followers before I brushed my teeth today!

Oh yeah?! Well… I… really? Eighty follows in one morning?

And that was a slow morning.

Wow. I had no idea… I guess I could… No! No, I’m not going to give empty likes! When I like something, it’s because I read it and honestly liked it!

Then you lose and I win! HAHAHAHA!

Oh yeah?! Well, if this was an R-rated blog, you’d hear some pretty choice words right now, let me tell you!

What? You mean like f–

STOP! Geez, I almost lost my two readers from Georgia!

Man, you’re pathetic. I gotta go. I’m behind in my likes. Need to get another 40 done before lunch.

Oh, okay… um… will you like this one? Please?

What? Oh, yeah, fine. *click* Whatever. I can get the other 39 done in about two minutes.

Yay, I got a like! 👍

Author: C. J. Hartwell

Christi lives in Phoenix with Husband, Son, Daughter, and Dog. She enjoys moonlit walks on the beach, but as she doesn't live anywhere near a beach, she's usually in bed by 9:30.

21 thoughts on “The Blogger’s Annual Review”

  1. [Quietly putting away my now-shameful annual-review post wherein I had merely been making a list of links and sprinkling it with a few emojis.] This is a really swell way to do this and I applaud you heartily. Great job! [Firmly locks desk drawer, where crappy draft now resides, in order to hinder secondary thoughts about posting it anyway. Throws key over backyard fence. ]

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Haha! Well, thank you very much, Brian! [Stealthily enters your home and uses a hack saw to open desk drawer, reads your draft, chuckles softly as draft is actually quite good, leaves a note encouraging you to post draft as is, goes to your fridge and steals some cheese for return trip home; next time buy Manchego, that’s my favorite.]

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha! Don’t worry, we all have our moronic moments. And thanks for the compliment! I’ll have to search through that humor tag and see what’s there. (Maybe if we search ‘Humour’ we’ll see more British wit?) 😀

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes, I tried that too. ‘Humour’ being my native spelling. I know they did that just to confuse me, I’m never sure whether I should write programme, aeroplane,archaeology,diarrhoea,…… you know? all those really important words??

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Okay, I learned something today. I had no idea there was an alternate spelling for diarrhea. And if we were going through the bother of changing it, why not make it easier to spell? Honestly, the English language is baffling!

          Liked by 1 person

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