At work last week, one of the Attendance clerks was wearing the prettiest blue top you ever did see.
But when I was in the Break room with her, before the school bell rang, she admitted something. The top was brand-new; she bought it at Ross. Brought it home, was cutting the tags off and… what do you suppose she found? A maternity tag!
Here she was so thrilled with how it fit, and come to find out, it was a maternity top!
Augh!
By this time one of the science teachers entered. “That’s not a maternity top,” she said. I agreed. It had to be mislabeled.
“No, really. It said maternity!”
“Yeah, but look,” I tug at the front of her blouse. “You get anything more than a two month bump and your belly is showing.”
“Yeah,” confirms Ms. Science. “Unless it was made for one of those, you know, the types who carry those cute baby balls in front of them. Unlike me, who got huge everywhere.
Attendance clerk nods. She got huge too. I stay quiet. Mine were baby balls.
“At least I don’t have to worry about my tummy showing when I stretch,” says Attendance clerk. She raises her arms…
Ms. Science and I confirm there is no tummy showing.
“See, I always go for long shirts so I can cover my backside,” says Ms. Science, turning around and patting her bottom. “Teachers have to think about this, because otherwise–”
She goes into an impressive deep knee bend, right next to the water cooler…
“See, if I’m next to a student’s desk, I don’t want to show any crack, you know? I’m really careful about that. We teachers have to be.”
She pops back up with remarkable ease. Dang, this woman is limber.
Not to be left out, I make my own wardrobe complaint.
“Exposure-wise, I’ve got you both beat. We small-breasted types have to be super careful. We can’t wear shirts too blousy or low-cut, because if we bend over…
“A woman with big boobs only gives you an eyeful of cleavage, but small boobs? You see everything with us. And I mean everything. You can see clear down to China.
“That’s why we put our hand to our chest every time we bend over. Cause otherwise we’re running a peep show.”
They both nod, sensing my pain.
As we leave the break room, ready to start the day, Ms. Science turns to me. “Men have no idea about this kind of stuff,” she says. “It’s both tops and bottoms with us. There’s always something trying to fall out. Men don’t know what we deal with.”
“Yeah, you’re right, they don’t know.”
Unless they read this blog. Then they’ll know.
Illustrations by R.J. Hartwell, aka, Daughter
Feeding on Folly 
The drawings are amazing!
Thanks! She does good work, even when I give her very little to work with!
I had no idea, none at all. And I grew up with 2 sisters… go figure.
Haha! Well, I have two brothers, and I’m willing to bet they didn’t know either. 🙂
Trying to say this very delicately: Us guys have to be careful with the packaging as well, as one brief instance of accidental freedom can lead to a court summons. And even if there’s not a Philadelphia incident, we can still get social demerits for presentational intensity… 😉
I see your point. If guys expose themselves, it’s a criminal offense, whereas if we expose ourselves, it’s generally met with applause. You poor things. 😉
It’s not that men don’t notice such things – it’s that we’ve been trained to never admit that we notice. No amount of torture, cash or crying can make us reveal our knowledge on the subject. If needed, I can prove that this comment was forged by a woman…
If I could award a prize for giving me the biggest laugh today, your comment would get it! Many thanks! 😄
So true. It’s like we are always tugging at something 😉
Yes! Ive gotten to the point that when I’m trying something on, my main concern is, “can I wear this without making constant adjustments during the day?” I’ve said no to so many items that way. On the plus side, it saves me a lot of money!
I cackled all the way through this post, nodding my head sagely in agreement whilst cackling is a difficult thing to pull off, but I think I managed. 🙂
I have complete confidence in both your nodding and cackling abilities. 😉 Bravo!
🙂
Well, moaning and groaning about our bodies is a great bonding activity for women, isn’t it? Have you all shared your labor and birthing stories yet? I confess, mine doesn’t get me much sympathy, since my longest labor was 4 hours.
Both of mine were Caesarean and easy ones to boot, meaning I had two kids without experiencing a single contraction. I fully realize my privileged status, so I say quiet when the horror stories start. I just stand to the side and nod sympathetically. It’s safer that way. 😬
Refreshing to hear about not showing bumps – especially today’s society where it is all out there to see…not that I like some of the old fashion maternity tops (so dowdt) – but somewhere in between would be nice
I’m surprised by much of the maternity wear too! On the one hand, it’s better pregnant women have something other than tents to wear. But you’re right, surely an in-between is possible?
I just gave this to Charley to read. He was very appreciative of the educational value and sends on his thanks. He said he’d lend me one of his shirts if it would help when I’m outside gardening, but I told him I like a bit of air flowing down the ole butt crack to keep me cool when the sun is beating down.
Indeed, sometimes a little ventilation is appreciated. One of benefits of retirement, eh? 😀
And so glad I could aid Charley in his quest for wisdom.
Anything that will fill the void is much appreciated.