Cooking with Ignorance, Incompetence, and a Little T&A

Saturday morning, while seeking a recipe for salt-free scrambled eggs, I found myself caught in the eternal autoplay loop of YouTube, over which I had no control whatsoever. To my knowledge it may be playing still. I’ll check later.

(Yes, I know there’s a cancel button, but for reasons that shall soon be made clear, I was not in full possession of my faculties to hit said cancel button.)

Here’s an interesting fact I learned last Saturday: There are many, many cooking videos on YouTube, most done by people with absolutely no idea how to cook.

Now please don’t get me wrong; it is not my intent to shame them. I mean, hey, if they’re willing to make a video for all to see, more power to them. Were I not so camera shy, I might join them. But for now at least, I’ll leave them to it.

Dr. Sylvia something-or-other shall not be challenged by me.

This was the first video I watched, and I must say, I was intrigued. For Dr. Sylvia — just what she’s doctor of, I know not — claimed she would show me how to make zero salt, zero fat, and zero calorie eggs. Sounds tricky, right? Especially as I’m fairly certain eggs contain calories. But the beauty of Dr. Sylvia’s video is that she doesn’t give a damn.

The first thing Dr. Sylvia tells us to do is to melt butter in the pan. As in actual butter.

After that’s good and melted, she instructs us to add two thick slices of cheese.

Zero calorie eggs

There were other things she added, but I think at this point I blacked out.

You know how it is when you’re reading an essay on grammar and the first sentence has a grammatical error? You keep staring at it and staring at it until you’re weeping softly and questioning your will to live?

Before I knew it, autoplay brought me to Geoff from Canada. I had high hopes for Geoff. First of all, his name is Geoff. And second, he’s from Vancouver.

I mean, if you can’t trust a man from Vancouver, who can you trust?

On the other hand, one would think if you’re making a cooking video, you might tidy up your kitchen a bit. Or at least tuck in your shirt?

Geoff

But maybe that’s just me. In any case, my faith in Geoff did not falter. I was certain he would lead me to scrambled egg nirvana.

Then he dropped the bombshell: “I feel I should warn you I haven’t made scrambled eggs for several years.”

What the hell?

Again, maybe it’s just me, but If you haven’t made scrambled eggs for several years, shouldn’t you practice a few times before hitting the record button? Seems reasonable.

Nevertheless, if my YouTube selections are any indication, practice rounds are not the norm. I saw more burned eggs and fishing eggshells out of bowls than any one woman should have to see.

After awhile, YouTube sensed my interest in scrambled eggs was waning and led me to other breakfast options. It was here that I was treated to the culinary skills of one Alexis Ren.

Do you know who Alexis Ren is? Neither did I.

Turns out she is what is known as an “internet celebrity.” She has 11.8 million followers on Instagram and 393,000 subscribers on YouTube.

(Just between you and me, she didn’t get these followers based on her culinary skills.)

First thing Alexis does is get a mixing bowl out of the cupboard. 

Again, this seems pretty basic. If you’re making a cooking video, shouldn’t you have the items you need in front of you? I mean, my gosh, even slovenly Geoff from Vancouver managed that!

Ah, but had Alexis Ren gotten the bowl out of the cupboard ahead of time, we would have missed this:

Alexis Ren makes pancakes!

And now we know why she has 11.8 million followers on Instagram.

(Her pancakes looked positively awful, by the way. But I got the feeling no one cared.)

Her video brought to mind another one I saw about a year ago. A couple of young, very fit looking women were making butternut squash soup in their Vitamix. Or at least I think it was butternut squash soup. Honestly, I’m not real sure because… well, the fact is they were wearing bikinis. They call themselves Blender Babes.

You know, it’s an interesting thing. I like men. Always have. Yet even for me, boring ol’ hereo that I am, sitting there watching those bikini-clad chicks? I could have cared less what they were putting in that damn blender.

All this leads me to believe that what my blog has been lacking is a little T&A.

Now the T, well, I can’t do anything about that. I’m of the mind you deal with what you were given and I wasn’t given much. But the A — ah, the A, my friends! I’ll have you know that in my younger days, I heard comments about my A fairly often. Mostly from construction workers who felt moved to inform me that it was a “fine piece” of A.

I have been led to believe that among a certain class of male individuals, this is considered a compliment. No doubt it is the sort of compliment to which Alexis Ren and the Blender Babes aspire, and I dearly hope they find happiness in their quest.

As for me, if I should cast off my camera-shy tendencies and seek “internet celebrity” status, is my A “fine” enough for cooking videos?

Alas, I fear two children, time, and an ardent love of pie have taken their toll.

Shame, that.

But I long to help others who seek YouTube glory. Therefore, I’m thinking of sending a few tips to Geoff in Vancouver: Tidy the kitchen and ditch the shirt. 

That should help him out big time, don’t you think?

60 thoughts on “Cooking with Ignorance, Incompetence, and a Little T&A”

  1. Okay, I had to check out Dr Sylvia and actually watched it all the way through. My favorite bit was when she talked about the cheese with Jalepenos in it (j as in jelly which I’m sure has no calories in it either). Thanks for the distraction. I’m in the mood for eggs for lunch now.

    1. You found her?! I wasn’t sure I gave enough clues, but I’m glad you’re able to verify my story. She’s a hoot, right? I especially loved the canned applause at the beginning and end of her video. And yes, the J-alopeno was perfection. 😀

      1. Oh yes, loved the opening. At first I was wondering if another video had inadvertently opened at the same time. I will never again start meal preparation without a cheering crowd in the background.

        And the other clever cook tip I got was using a knife as a whisk in a non stick (I assume) pan. Kind of reminds me of letting my sister loose in my kitchen, which I swear I will never do again – or I will remove all the sharp objects before I do. I had to replace my pan set after that. I’d had it for 5 years without a scratch and it only took her one week of house sitting to destroy the whole set.

  2. It just goes to show you, “if you film it, someone will watch it”. For me, I’ll settle for the “I kiss better than I cook” sign that my wife put in the kitchen, next to the one that says “ dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off”

    Thanks for the funny piece

  3. Um, well, you see. She was cooking? Interesting. You should call Geoff, a bit of coaching and I’ll bet even guys will be stopping by to check him out – yes the shirt has to go, and maybe he could hit the gym for a little upper body work out – that, tighter pants and a few pictures from behind might get him to 11.8 million.

    1. Yeah, now that you mention it, a buff upper body and that man would be cooking in more ways than one. And I bet others have thought of it too… hmm… excuse me while I peruse YouTube a little more… 😉

  4. Thank you, this is a fun and entertaining post. I had no idea whether you were serious
    or not.😊 . You were having a fun investigation and the result is hilarious. Yes, Geoff should tuck the shirt in, clean his kitchen and read a cookery book.
    Dr so and so should read up calories…
    And the scantily dressed cook could do exercise class instead.

    Did you ever do these scrambled eggs??? Easy, just put salt in, there is no salt in salt….or?
    miriam

    1. No calories in eggs, no salt in salt… Oh man, we could really mess with people! I did wind up making scrambled eggs (my own version), but as there’s no video evidence, you’ll just have to take my word for it. Also, I pretty sure they contained calories. 🙂

  6. Christi, As I moved slowly down your post, I got to a point where I feared what might come next. but all’s well that ENDS well. And I’m still chuckling as I consider making scrambled eggs for dinner with my hubby. (He’s tall, so I’ll let him reach for the bowls.)

  7. These “cooking” videos remind me of all those “vanity” blogs out there. They are both based in that general social-media trend: It doesn’t matter what you are doing or how well you might be doing it, as long as you love yourself enough then people are bound to tune and watch the self-adoration. Thank goodness neither you nor I would lower our standards enough to put our own handiwork out on the web just to see if…. people will stop by and… oh.

    1. Yeah, but generally you’re not insulting out intelligence by pretending to do/be things that you are not (and the flip side of generally is that we are WANTING you to insult our intelligence because we need to laugh). 🙂 Win WIN

    2. Haha! Touché!
      We can take comfort in the fact that we have not (yet) stooped to the level of taking our clothes off. I mean, were we to do that, then… Brian, what are you doing? Good God man!

  8. A Christi – what a little gem of youtubeness you have uncovered. I do think I will not go looking, there are just too many rabbits holes in youtube land, and before you know it you believe that you can build a rocket that will take you to Mars and beyond, all you need is foil, rubberbands, vinegar and baking soda. 🙂

    1. Yeah, it’s pretty scary what you can find if you snoop around too long. There’s some great things, to be sure, but perfectly awful stuff too. Once when I was watching a great NASA video on the Mars rover, a video came on from a nutjob in Montana trying to prove the moon landing was a hoax. 🙄

  10. Maybe I’ll make a video – rate it 55+, eh? Let’s see… Out of protest, I’m buying eggs in town (until the rooster’s removed from the hen house). However I had been separating yolks from the whites and tossing out 3 of 5 yolks for reduced-fat breakfasts (it’s a very prolific rooster). The yolks are good for the dogs… Nah!

  12. How I love wiling away implausibly significant portions of my life on bizarre cookery videos on YouTube …. It’s a harmless enough pastime. Your A, though – this is the important thing that I can help with. I was in Munich the day before yesterday and foolishly wandered into a shop selling Strumpfhose because I love saying the word in my head (so much better than nylons or pantyhose or the very dull English ‘tights’ I always feel) … anyway I was mobbed by several very perky sales assistants all intent on getting me to buy special leggings that apparently assist in giving you a perter rear. Quel horreurs! Is it really that apparent that my tush is now more reminiscent of a wet melon in a bodystocking than a pair of hard boiled eggs in a handkerchief as it was once referred too …. my heart is heavy – it seems the reality of my YouTube Channel titled ‘G-String Gastronomy’ may not be a sensible notion after all …..

    1. Quel horreurs indeed! I mean, if it were me… um… uh… sorry, I can’t get out of my head the image of a pair of hard boiled eggs in a handkerchief. Are we sure it was a compliment? 😉
      Lightbulb moment! We make a stop motion animation of various food-assembled characters cooking! The two leads are a skinny stick of celery with an egg head and shredded cheese hair and a matronly eggplant with carrot stick legs and arms. Their first dish? Chopped salad! 🔪

      1. I take pretty much everything as a compliment – I find just refusing to see anything as an insult works well for my psyche and has the added advantage of irritating any protagonists who mean to insult me. Just call me Forest Gumpette 🤭

        Now this lightbulb moment! I’m in with bells on – when do we start? 🥕 🍆 🧀 🥚 (they have no celery emojis – what an oversight) 🥗 🍴

  16. I’ve been totally preoccupied and now I’m binge reading “The Adventures of CJ” to catch up. Wow! cleaning and cooking and carrying on — where do you find the time. And, of course, always trust a man from Vancouver — tuck or no tuck!

    1. Ah, you never know when your sly little notes will reach their intended mark — I was certain you’d find it and you did! Just the fact he admitted he hadn’t made scrambled eggs in several years is proof enough Vancouver men are trustworthy. But I feel I must insist: either all the way tuck, or completely untuck, no in-between. Thank you.

  21. I hope the Dr. Sylvia is a satire otherwise I don’t know what to say…

    Your other findings reminded me of when I was working on subtitles for UFC and there was an episode of a very sexy MMA fighter baking a cake.

    I melted like butter….

    I’d share the experience but can’t find the episode and don’t remember what season it was. Anyway, he should start a baking show.

    2. Oh man, that sounds like one great cake! 😀
      Say, maybe you need to start making videos — clothed, ‘natch — with your snarky humor and acting abilities, you’d be great!

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