Note: Beings how this is the week I’m moving, I figured rerunning an old post was understandable. With any luck, we should be up and running new material next week. Until then, I hope you enjoy this little visit with Grandma…
My grandmother was one of those “pinch of this, dash of that” cooks. She never used a recipe, even for baking, making things difficult for someone hoping to recreate a dish.
Such as my mom, who was always trying to find something of grandma’s she could make. One time in frustration she asked Grandma to write a recipe down in detail. “Don’t leave out a thing,” she said.
This is what Grandma gave her:
Open cabinet door. Take out your oblong glass cake pan.
Next, roll out graham crackers. Put layer in bottom of pan.
Thicken a quart of rhubarb sauce and pour over crumbs and cool good.
Take a tub of Cool Whip, add small marshmallows and put on top of rhubarb. Next mix up a box of instant vanilla pudding and then put that on top. Sprinkle graham cracker crumbs on top. Then when cooled good you can eat it.
Notice how Grandma mastered the art of crystal clear confusion?
I decided we needed to chat.
Beings how she was called to that great heavenly kitchen in the sky some 25 years ago, this proved tricky. Once again, my imagination didn’t let me down.
Me: Grandma! Oh my gosh, it’s so good to see you! (We hug.) How have you been?
Grandma: Where am I?
Me: In my blog.
Grandma: Your what?
Me: Never mind. Could you introduce yourself to my readers?
Grandma: You got readers?
Me: I like to think so, yes.
Grandma: (She looks around) There’s no one here, dear.
Me: Well, they’re kind of… never mind Grandma. Listen, I was hoping you could help me with this recipe of yours. The rhubarb one you gave Mom? I was thinking if we made it together, I could show my readers how it’s done.
Grandma: The readers who ain’t here, you mean.
Me: Let it go, Grandma. Now, I’ve already done the first part, see? I opened the cabinet door.
Grandma: Uh-huh.
Me: And then you write: take out your oblong glass cake pan. What size pan would that be, Grandma?
Grandma: I don’t know. Whatever size my oblong cake pan is.
Me: Right… so… would you say that was 13 by 9? Or 11 by 7? Personally, I like 11 by 7.
Grandma: (Shrugs) I don’t measure it. I just use it.
Me: Let’s say it’s an 11 by 7.
Grandma: Fine by me. (Looks around) Where are your aprons? If I’m gonna cook, I need an apron.
Me: Wow, Grandma, you haven’t changed a bit. As it so happens, I have a few of your aprons over here. See? I made a little display of them.
Grandma: (Puts one on) Alrighty, now where do you keep your rhubarb? I hoped you canned plenty. Oh, and you better take the Cool Whip out of the freezer.
Me: Okay, first up, no one does canning anymore Grandma. And I can’t grow rhubarb in Phoenix.
Grandma: Kinda hard to make rhubarb dessert with no rhubarb.
Me: No, it’s okay! See? I bought frozen. Also, I was hoping we could use real whipped cream? It’s so much better than Cool Whip, and my readers have come to expect quality from me.
Grandma: Again, the readers who ain’t here.
Me: Grandma…
Grandma: Fine, only I ain’t gonna whip no cream. You gotta do that.
Me: I’m way ahead of you, Grandma. I’ve got the beaters right here. I’ll whip this baby up in no time.
Grandma: Okay, you do that. Now, let’s see… I’ll do the crust… Hmm… coulda swore I put nuts in this.
Me: WHAT’D YA SAY, GRANDMA? I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE BEATERS!
Grandma: I SAID I FORGOT TO WRITE DOWN NUTS – I USUALLY PUT NUTS IN THE CRUST!
Me: THAT’S OKAY! I GOT NUTS!
Grandma: GOOD! WHERE DO YOU YOU KEEP YOUR… oh land’s sake, I’ll just find it myself.
Me: WHAT’D YA SAY, GRANDMA?!
Grandma: I SAID NEVER MIND!
Me: OKAY!
(Three minutes pass)
Me: Okay, Grandma, I finished the whipped cream. Now about that rhubarb. How do you make that?
Grandma: Hmm? Oh, that’s done. It’s in the fridge.
Me: Wait… what?
Grandma: And here’s the pudding. I made that too.
Me: Grandma! I wanted to see how you did everything!
Grandma: Time and dessert wait for no man.
Me: What’s that supposed to mean?
Grandma: This goes a lot faster if you use Cool Whip.
Me: Grandma!
Grandma: There, that’s done (hands me the finished dessert). Now, what are you planning for dinner?
Me: I didn’t even get a picture…
Grandma: How about bean soup? You got bacon, don’t you? And beans? Tell me you got beans.
Me: (sighs) Yeah, I got beans. I love you, Grandma.
Grandma: I love you too, sweetie. Now scootch yourself outta here and let me cook. And where’s your mop? Floor’s a bit dirty over here…
Feeding on Folly 
Love your grandma! and moving should give you tons of things to write about.
Indeed it is, if I could find the time to write them! Things are starting to settle down a little, so maybe soon. 🙂
Enjoyed this post. You should let your Grandma cook!
Trust me, if I could I would! Her bean soup was like no other! 🙂
Thanks for the comment and sorry for the delay in responding — life has been a tad too chaotic lately.
Sounds like you should take up being a medium – you seem to have channeled Grandma perfectly! Good luck with the move!!
Thanks, Eilene! We’re halfway unpacked, but more importantly, we’re finally back online! Alleluia!
Great story
Kind regards,
Thanks, Rob!
Je te souhaite un très bon déménagement and may you come out of it unscathed but with a hatful of stories to tell. As to Grandma …. I feel love, great love for her through the power of your skill with words. If she pops up again would you mind telling her that one of the readers that can’t be seen is starting an invisible fan club for her? I realise she will think that a phooey thing to do but I can’t help myself 👵
Grandma stood maybe five feet tall but she packed a lot of energy in every inch. And oh, if I had one wish, it would be to taste her homemade bread once more! Walking into her kitchen and smelling that heavenly aroma, that was when I learned about love.
I’ll pass on the message of the fan club though you are correct, she’ll call it a load of phooey. Rather, to be more exact, she’ll say “oh fer dumb!” 🙂
What a brilliant expression …. I need to learn to say it well!! Learning about love through the power of her bread … no wonder you learned the lesson so well 😊
Your grandma is such a delight, I fell like I could sit with her for hours at a time and just talk
I’m so glad you feel that way. But don’t mind her if she continues cooking while talking. She never could sit still!
Love your dialogues, C.J. They make me smile with my whole body.
Aw, thank you Mitch! What a lovely thing to say!