What does the Teacher require, but to sit still, do your work, and keep your eyes on your own paper?
Bring me a student who desires knowledge and I will fill her up.
But yea, the students of Babylon do not study.
The Snapchat and the Tumblr, they cry out to them.
They hear not my voice,
I weep for this generation.
Thus says the Teacher:
Concerning Cellphones
There shall be no cellphones in this classroom. No cellphone shall be on your desk, nor in your hand. Nay, I do not wish to see it. Put it away, for it displeases me.
It shall make no sound and neither shall you text. Not to your friend nor your mother shall you text.
Laws Pertaining to Food and Drink
You shall not have snacks in the Classroom; the eating of food is strictly forbidden. You shall not bring in bags of potato chips and open them, neither shall you eat them, for I hate the crunching noise.
Of crunching you shall not do.
Of drink, you may have bottled water. No soda may you drink, neither shall you have anything with a straw, for then you make that slurping sound when it is almost gone and push the straw up and down so it makes that squeaky noise.
There shall be no squeaky noise.
And when your bottle of water you have emptied, you shall not squeeze the bottle in your hand and make the crinkly sound.
Lo, how I detest the crinkly sound.
Of Tardies and Absences
For the first two days, of these you may be late, but after these two days you shall not be late. No, never shall you be late.
Why are you late? No, do not speak. I turn my ear from your excuses; they displease me. You shall be thrown into detention, where there is groaning and gnashing of teeth.
I say it again: do not be late.
Of absences, there shall be none. But if you are absent, your parent or guardian must call, or else there shall be no makeup work. You will fail, and oh, how great your failure!
Concerning Homework
Woe to the student who does not do their homework, for they shall lose points.
Of Extra Credit, there is no Extra Credit. O Foolish one, why do you ask?
Do the work, and no Extra Credit do you require.
Limitations of Teacher Authority
There are no limitations of Teacher authority. Nay, I say it again, there are none.
Do not question my authority, for the one who questions my authority will be thrown into detention, where there is groaning and gnashing of teeth.
I, the Teacher, have spoken.
Sharpen your pencils! Grab your notebook!
For I shall put you to the test!
It shall be multiple choice and short essay.
Blessed are they who listen, for they shall find wisdom.
Their grade point average shall not falter, forevermore.
O Legislature! O Destroyer!
You cut funding and raise up standardized tests against me!
But I, the Teacher, shall not fail,
Neither shall I surrender; nay, never shall I surrender.
Though one day, maybe next year, I shall retire.
A condo by the lake would be nice.
How pleasing it is when a child learns,
It is like honey on the lips and lovely to my sight.
I, the Teacher, have spoken.
Here’s wishing all my teacher friends their best year EVER! ❤️
Feeding on Folly 
Well said – Here’s hoping for a good year for all teachers.
I’ve not met one yet who doesn’t start their year filled with hope. 🙂
Yea, but thou art wise in the ways of the teacher. May your words spread throughout the land and the people will rejoice and sing and ring in the academic year. And children will learn and it shall be good. (sorry I cross-pollinated a couple of things here)
No worries, I believe I cross-pollinated several biblical references myself. 😉
Hello, CJ! Facing my 1st year out of school in well over 60 years,I got a good laugh out of your list of commandments. The tone is superb. Were you channeling David– or what?
Kay
Congratulations and I hope you enjoy a happy and long retirement! Thank you for the kind words, I’m glad it gave you a chuckle.
To be posted in every classroom!!
I’ve already had a couple requests! 🙂
I love this! 🙂
Thanks! Must confess, I had a lot of fun with it. 😀
Amen and Amen!
Preach it!
very well done – much giggling ensued, but probably the teacher doesn’t like that either.
No, I suppose she doesn’t. Unless you’re giggling with her, of course. 😉
I’m always giggling WITH her 🙂
A hope and a prayer for all who enter these mighty school doors… lc
Yes, they can use them! Thanks, JC
Oh good grief. No wonder I didn’t want to be a teacher…aside from the fact that I would have been a failure.
Oh, me as well! The more I’m around teachers, the more I’m convinced it’s not the job for me.
Word. ❤
🙂
For they are the brave. That is all.
Indeed! It takes a courageous spirit to handle all that!
A lovely ode for the unsung heroes…
Some of us sing for them. Maybe we should sing louder?
In high school, my favorite in-class snack was corn nuts. The crunching and grinding would drive the teachers crazy.
Okay, now that just makes you evil. I hope you’ve repented of your sin and did penance? 😉
Haha. I paid my penance in the dentist chair, with a row of crowns on my worn out and broken back teeth.
Ah yes, I believe that’s penance enough!
Great battle cry for all those teaching warriors!
Thanks Rhonda!
And so it came to pass, the students did come unto the commandments of the lord of the classroom. Some did tremble in fear, some did snicker and make mock, and some said, “no problemo, dude”. And the teacher did sigh, and say unto herself, “well, it was worth a shot”.
Yea, you speak the truth and lo, the teacher doth gradeth you well. You shall move to the head of the class. Well done, good and faithful blogger.