In Which I Channel Beatrix Potter and Write a Tale of The Two Mice in My Shed

If you’d rather I read this story to you (think of it as story time for grownups) click here:

Once upon a time there was a very useful garden shed; it was made of wood and painted red. It had no windows, but it had two big doors that stuck a little in humid weather.

The shed belonged to a blogger named CJ Hartwell.

CJ was a gardener, or at least she liked to say she was a gardener. Between you and me, she kinda let things go to seed.

One afternoon on a frosty October day, CJ decided it was time to pick the last of the apples on her apple tree. She put on her coat and her Isotoner gloves and walked out to her garden shed to get a ladder. For the apples were very high on the tree and she could not reach them.

First, she unlatched the big wooden doors and pulled them all the way open. Next, she pulled out her seldom used lawn mower and her even more seldom used rake. And who do you suppose she saw hiding behind the rake?

Why, it was none other than Ethan, who made the garden shed his home.

Ethan was a mouse.

cute mouse, drawing of mouse

Ethan looked at CJ; CJ looked at Ethan.

Ethan didn’t say anything because Ethan was a quiet, unassuming little mouse. CJ did say some things, but we will not repeat them here because some of the words were naughty, and good little boys and girls ought never to use them.

Ethan didn’t know what the fuss was about, for while the garden shed was a modest home, he did his mousy best to keep it tidy and clean. So he squeaked a soft little squeak, which was to say, “I’ve seen your house, lady. You think you can do better?”

Did it do any good? No! CJ stomped her feet on the floor making a terrible racket!

This frightened poor Ethan something awful. He called out to his very special lady friend, Tiffany, who had come home with Ethan after a romantic evening together in the woods.

At this particular moment, Tiffany was on CJ’s bicycle.

small mouse on bicycle

Mid-stomp, CJ saw Tiffany scurry down the bicycle. She garbled a few more choice words for now there were two mice!

Ethan called out to Tiffany, “Hey babe, over here!” and together they raced underneath the ladder that was leaning against the wall.

Quick as a flash, or rather stumbling in her haste, CJ put the mower and rake back in the shed and shut the doors, latching them tight. She said to herself, “Screw it! The apples can rot!”

Then she went inside her house and opened a bottle of red wine that she had bought at Costco for $8.99. She had two glasses, one for each mouse.

After her second glass, she decided mice in the shed were better than mice in the house, and she was very happy she had a cat in the house.

As for Ethan and Tiffany, they were very happy CJ left. They agreed the less they saw of her the better, but Tiffany did enjoy a nice bike ride now and again.

Later that evening, Tiffany made a nice dinner of mushroom salad with a rotten apple compote. Ethan said it was the best meal he’d ever had.

Afterward they had consensual sex and fell asleep in the bed Ethan fashioned out of an empty box of Milk Duds.

drawing of mice in a bed

It was a busy day after all.

The end.

30 thoughts on “In Which I Channel Beatrix Potter and Write a Tale of The Two Mice in My Shed

    1. Well, I definitely had fun doing this. And you know, I greatly miss reading to my kids.
      They don’t seem to appreciate me calling them anymore for a nightly “Goodnight Moon” offering. 😉

  1. CJ,
    I laughed and laughed when I read this. Were you looking for an excuse to not get the apples or trying to find a reason not to springclean the shed- I wondered when I read this.
    I can understand your not wanting to disturb Ethan and Tiffany during their romantic dances and routines. I am glad you left them alone- perhaps the indoor cat could have joined them in their fun or perhaps he might have played spoil sport.
    Finally, I would like to reblog this with your permission- it is too funny to not share.
    Thank God there are people like you the world, CJ. Two glasses of wine- one for each mouse- I like that idea.

    1. Oh Susie, you are too kind. Yes, of course you may reblog. Thanks for asking. 🙂
      Self-awareness is a tricky thing — it’s possible I was looking for an excuse, but in my head I fully intended on picking those apples. Cleaning a shed was never on the agenda — EVER. 😀

  2. I could visualize you holding back your laughter, especially at the end of your wonderful story. This spring, when you go back out for your mower, Ethan and Tiffany will surely have a nice big surprise for you.

  3. Ah, the lovely rusticness of a shed. You never know what you might find. Personally I would rather mice than snakes or spiders. Apples always look nice on a tree anyway, and wine always feels good when you empty the glass. )

  4. This Right Here is why I can’t fathom that you don’t have 750,000 followers. Charming and witty and slightly racy and brimming with imagination. We have GOT to get you an agent… 😉

    1. Oh golly, you do make a girl blush!
      I tell myself my lack of followers is proof I’m a suffering, underappreciated artist, and many years from now pieces of this blog will sell for big bucks at Sotheby’s. My gravatar alone will rake in millions. 🙂

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