Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

Recently at work I found this email in my spam folder. It was such a delight, I simply had to share it with you. I’m giving it to you intact, exactly as it came to me.
Before you read it, I just want to point out how visually stunning this email is. With its random use of capitals and stanzas, it is nearly poetic in nature.
Please enjoy… 

Attention: Dear Esteemed Customer,
RE-NOTICE OF VERIFICATION.
Sir /Madam,

We need to confirm that this is Truth Before the bank will
Release
your Funds to one Jennifer Scott.

This Office was contacted by one Jennifer Scott, from Canada Who
Claim
to be your Partner she Promise to finalize everything regarding
your
Claim as your Next Of Kin. She said that you were Involved In a
car
Accident December,25th, 2016 and Die, we requested for a death
certificate but up till now no body could present it as to
enable the
bank process and pay off the funds to her. Based on this facts,
We
need to confirm that you are truly alive or dead before we can
Release
the Fund to him/her.

We Believe that you are Dead But As a Public Office We need a
Proof
for Record Purposes Before We Can Release the Funds finally to
Him/her, Therefore, Your Silent is a Clear Proof that you are
Dead.
Note we will commence On the Release of your Funds to
your Next Of Kin within 14 working days of receipt of this
communique,
if we do not hear from you, we’ll assume that you’re no more
alive.

NOTE: Once we confirm your existence, we’re going to refer you to
the
accredited bank that are mandated to review your payment file,
and pay
your shortlisted funds to your choice.
The earlier you respond better for your own advantage.
Thank you for your anticipated Cooperation.
Your Faithfully,
Regards

Mr Larry Sidwell,
Payment Reconciliations Unit.,
Protocol Officer {Stancy Lehmann Mrs}

Isn’t it great? 
I’m sorely tempted to write him back…

Attention: Dear Mr. Larry Sidwell,
RE-NOTICE OF VERIFICATION.
Sir /Madam,

Thank You for Seeking Truth
of my Existence.
This is to Confirm
I am Dead.
Your email Slayed Me.

Thank you,
Your Faithfully,
But Dead,
Esteemed Customer

27 thoughts on “Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated.”

  5. I went to school with Jennifer Scott from Canada. She was Sneaky then but it’s good to see she turn her life around and choose you as Partner. I wouldn’t give her any Money though (whether you dead or not) it would just tempt her back to her Sordid Past. We Canadians stick Together so why don’t you just give me the Money and I’ll make sure she get it. Just trying to help!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I have all Faith in your Truth. That is Why I am now Sending Bitcoin.
      Also, I turn on your Webcam and recorded You when you visit your favorite website last night. You know the One I mean.
      Allaboutzithermusic.com

      Really hard to blackmail someone with that…

      Liked by 2 people

  6. This was a hoot.

    “you were Involved In a
    car
    Accident December,25th, 2016 and Die”: That’s some Hemingway-esque “get to the point” writing right there.

    “Your Silent is a Clear Proof that you are
    Dead.”: You have to admire the twisted logic here.

    Sigh. I better stop at this point. I could go on all day…

    P.S. When were you going to tell us about Jennifer, hmm?… 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well, my plan was to wait until I broke it to Husband before I went public. But then Mr. Larry Sidwell gets involved and all my secrets are laid bare. *sigh*

      My favorite line, besides the “Your Silent…” etc., which is lovely in its own right, is the “We Believe that you are Dead…” I mean, just the idea they are emailing someone they Believe is Dead.
      God, I love them so much. 😀

      Liked by 2 people

      1. [Evil grin…] I’m not the sort of guy that says, “pun not intended.” I’ve always figured they’re only not intended if you don’t realize you’re making them. In this case, it was just out there, waiting for someone to set it free. Apologies to Husband for making him wonder about the groaning. 😉

        Liked by 1 person

  13. Bizarrely hilarious! Reminds me of Golden Turkey award back in the 90s that went to the U.S. government for passing a rule that required the Social Security Administration to personally inform dead people when their payments were being discontinued “due to your death.”

    Like

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