We’ve grown apart over the years and lately, I’ve been thinking we were never meant to be together.
Do you remember when we first met? It was in that aerobics class in college. I was looking for an easy A, you showed up about a month later. I was impressed with your strength and… well, your flatness. And somehow you made me feel more pretty when we were together. Continue reading “It’s Finished Flat Abs. I’m Over You.”
In Which Our Alter Egos Discuss Life’s Purpose, Kierkekaard, and Peach Cobbler
If you missed our previous episode, click here.
Reporter: Hello everyone. Thank you for giving us another chance today. I know we haven’t made the best impression the last few times.
Editor: Speak for yourself.
Reporter: What? You think you make a good impression? Don’t make me laugh.
Editor: I’m the only one who makes sense, so yes, I always make a good impression.
Reporter: (sighs) Maybe we should just start our discussion. And when we’re done, we can eat the Peach Cobbler I made. Is that all right with you?
Editor: Yes. I searched the room so I’m satisfied.
Reporter: What do you mean you ‘searched the room’?
Continue reading “Welcome to My Existential Crisis, Episode 5”
In which Grandma and I have a chat while making rhubarb dessert.
A few posts back, Brian of Bonnywood mentioned in a comment his Granny’s way of writing recipes, which led to a discussion of potatoes and the proper use of sarcasm.
Long story short, I wound up hunting for my grandma’s recipes, and you know what? I found the one my mom received after telling Grandma, “Write down everything!”
This is what Grandma gave her: Continue reading “Cookin’ With Grandma”
Not sure how it happened, but somehow I got on the mailing list for Ted Cruz. A letter came about a week ago, in an ordinary envelope, addressed to me. In the upper left corner it read:
U.S. Senator Ted Cruz
Not Printed or Mailed at Taxpayer Expense
Normally I toss all political materials in the recycle bin, but this one was mysterious. Why was Ted Cruz writing to me? What personal business (not conducted at taxpayer expense) did he wish to discuss with me?
The letter began with: Dear Fellow Conservative…
Continue reading “On the Mysteries of Mailing Lists & Ted Cruz”
I’m not going to worry about it though. Instead, I’m going to lull you all into a false sense of security by sharing my recipe for strawberry shortcake.
Because truly, no one can resist the power of a generous helping of strawberry shortcake.
But first, I have to stop taking those dang personality quizzes that keep popping up on my Facebook page. You know the ones I’m talking about?
“What is Your Spirit Animal?”
“Which Classic Rock Band Are You?”
“Which Character From Wizard of Oz Are You?”
“Which Star Wars Character are you?”
You know, fun, harmless quizzes like that. Only I’m not so sure they’re harmless anymore.
I’m telling you, they’re on to me.
Continue reading “BuzzFeed is Trying to Blow My Cover!”