The Post Office, The Rock, and Timid Little Me

You know what the best thing is about the Christmas season? The absolute bestest thing?

Yeah, sure, you got your presents, the decorations, the yummy food. That’s all well and good.

But the best thing – the super cool bestest thing – is being able to send packages using the Magical Mystical Mailing Machine.

automated-postal-center

Have you ever used one? I’m telling ya, they’re great! You can do everything at one of these babies. Buy stamps, weigh a package, print a stamp for your package. The works!

Plus, it’s got this amazing ability to figure out where you’re sending a package, by only knowing one letter of a street name!

It’s MAGIC!

And so it was that last week I took my packages to the Post Office and, in so doing, encountered Magic, Heroism, and Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.

Okay, fine. It wasn’t really like that.

But it was darn close! Here’s what happened for real

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I Found Her: The Slowest Cashier in Cashier History

Got a lot of shopping to do this holiday season? Unless you’re doing everything online, you might have to battle heavy traffic and crowded stores. I can’t help you much there. But if you fear getting stuck in line with the slowest cashier in existence, let me put your mind at ease.

Turns out the slowest cashier — and this is counting the ones who carved receipts on stone tablets — works at the Target near my house. Her name is Lillian.

Let me take you back to the day I first met Lillian. It was way back when we were still experiencing high temperatures here in Phoenix.
You know. A week ago.

I stopped at Target for a few things and as I made my way through the frozen food aisle, I saw it: THE BEST ice cream was on sale!

woman with grocery cart(I’m not going to say the brand name, since if I’m going to shill for a company they better darn well pay me for it.)

Anyway, I selected the perfect carton — frozen really, really hard — because when you live in a warm climate, it’s imperative you start with a solid block of ice cream or it might not survive the trip home.

I make my way up front and there I’m met with a first world problem to beat all first world problems (as if soft ice cream wasn’t tragic enough): which checkout lane will give me the speediest exit? Continue reading

The Thanksgiving Game: 2016 Edition

Setting the scene:

Your family is gathering for Thanksgiving dinner. You haven’t seen these people for a whole year, and you were perfectly fine with that. But now you’ll be with them and you’re still feeling raw from events a few weeks ago. Will you survive? This game can show the way!

Objective:

To survive Thanksgiving dinner with some shred of dignity

thanksgiving-game

Your success or failure depends upon the following behaviors:

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Dreaming of Captain Kangaroo and Chocolate Rum Pie

A couple days ago someone asked me, “How do you sleep at night?” and I responded, “Fine, thanks.”

Only later did it occur to me the woman was probably being snarky. Especially as we were discussing how overly involved some parents were and I said my kids didn’t have that problem, as most of the time they were lucky if I remembered I had kids.

And that was when she asked about my sleep habits. Which upon reflection was a pretty quick change in topic, so yeah. She was probably being snarky.

bob-keeshan-captain-kangarooBut since we’re on the subject of sleeping, the other night I had a dream where I traveled to Montana in a hot air balloon because I heard there was a pie shop there beyond good, and you know my views on pie, right?

Anyway, I landed the balloon expertly (of course), walked into the pie shop and who do you think is there but Captain Kangaroo himself!

He walks me over to a table, hands me the menu and says, “Come here often?”
It shocked me so much, I woke up immediately.

And why was this, you ask?

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The Election is Over; It’s Time for Philosophy and Cookies

Beings how I scheduled this post ahead of time, I have no idea how the election turned out. Therefore, I shall make a prediction.

I predict,

  • The sun rose today
  • The birds sang
  • The neighbor’s dog pooped in my yard

statue of philosopher eating a cookieOne more thing that’s fairly safe to predict: No matter who won, the other side is plenty unhappy about it.

It’s times like these when we need to step back, seek wisdom from our philosophers, and eat cookies.

(Not many people know this, but philosophers regularly ate cookies. If they look morose, it’s because someone over baked them.)

So whether your candidate won or lost, consider these philosophical musings, as well as a cookie recipe that promises world peace. (No, really!)

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Anonymous Note Update, #2!

The tension is mounting people, even drawing in our most chill-est of personnel! (If you didn’t catch our previous update, click here.)

This morning I walk into the break room for my requisite cup of Earl Grey, and there by the microwave stands one of our counselors. One of the cool ones because she reads this blog. (Although she’s running a month behind, meaning she hasn’t read my last two posts.)

Normally this woman is pretty chill. My guess is she either meditates or practices yoga in between meeting students. But this morning she was visibly tense, standing next to the microwave with her arms crossed and tapping one foot. I ask her how she’s doing. She Wash your dishes notegives me an uncertain smile, then points at the sign.

“Did you write this?” she asks.
Excuse me?” I sputter. “I sign everything I write. I’m very egotistical that way.”

She relaxes a little. Then points out the more offending parts. The use of capitals, the HELLO PEOPLE, the excess of exclamation marks. I nod in agreement.

“I kind of want to tear it down,” she admits.
“I think you should,” I say.
“Really? You think I should?”
“Yeah. Do it.”
“Yeah, we don’t need this hate,” she says, and pulls it off. And RIPS IT into little pieces before throwing it in the trash.
“Wow,” I comment.
“Yeah,” she says with a smile. And leaves with her oatmeal, looking quite pleased with herself.
The staples are all that remain on the wall.

So on the one hand, I broke my vow about not participating in this drama (beings how I egged her on). But in so doing we have a new episode in our tale and a mild-mannered counselor acted heroically.

Will Righteous Indignation retaliate? Only time will tell.

Anonymous Note Update!

Hold onto your hats, people! A NEW anonymous note appeared in the break room!

The anonymous noteIn case you missed it, my previous post was inspired by an anonymous note I saw at work. Today we have a new chapter in our story.

By the microwave this morning were four corners of a note that had been ripped away. Directly underneath were five mugs, washed and set on paper towels to dry.

My imagination filled in the details: Before they left work the day before, someone stops by the break room and finds dirty mugs in the sink. They wash them. All the while Righteous Indignation fills their heart. Quickly, before Better Judgement takes hold, they write a note and staple it, not tape but staple it, to the wall.

This morning, strolling in for a morning brew, someone else walks in and sees the note. Righteous Indignation fills their heart and they tear the note from the wall, tossing it in the trash can, Triumphantly.

I search the trash can – YES! The note is there! Continue reading

The Fine Art of an Anonymous Note

If you work in an office, you’ve no doubt seen your share of anonymous notes. Maybe even The anonymous notewritten one?

It’s all right if you have. You’re safe here.

Anonymous notes are great for several reasons:

  • They’re anonymous! You can say anything you want, without censor!
  • They keep everyone off-guard as they wonder who wrote it. Was it the guy in the next cubicle? The woman down the hall? The janitor? No one knows!
  • What’s an office without a little passive aggressive behavior? A sad excuse for an office, that’s what!
  • Done right, your anonymous note might wind up HERE.

Proper Format for the Killer Anonymous Note

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I Attended a Webinar on Writing for a Living – Here’s What I Learned

The webinar was free, but I’m going to save you 1 1/2 hours of listening time by giving you viewing-a-webinarhis tips. I’m nice that way.

Also, I kind of figured there’d be a sales pitch at some point, and he didn’t disappoint. So I’m saving you from that as well.

You’re welcome.

The webinar was by Jeff Goins. If you’ve ever googled for information on being a professional writer or blogger, you probably came across him.

His site carries a wealth of information, nearly all of it for free. Here’s the link for his blog, but be warned, you get a popup right away. (I gave my feelings on that HERE.)

If you forgive his popup (I did, because of his freebie), you’ll find a ton of helpful articles. The webinar repeats most of it, but it was condensed into four steps. If you do these steps, he claims, you’re on your way to becoming a professional writer. Continue reading